Is the Meaning of Fear Really F.rom E.xperience A.ccelerates R.eality?

 Is the Meaning of Fear Really F.rom E.xperience A.ccelerates R.eality?

Fear has been my topic of conversation, in my brain, for about three years now. During this time it has been more prevalent than ever. It starts when I go to sleep. I put alot of pressure on myself to fall asleep at a certain time to avoid fatigue in the morning which in turn makes me fall asleep at the wheel during the long drive to work and makes me groggy and unsettled at work which turns into some level of anxiety (although I am getting stronger with that part.) My point is that when I get home I have my routine in order for me to get settled and ready for bed with low stress, if any, or so I try. I come home, eat an early dinner (because I’m usually hungry by around 3:15 when I get home), make my lunch for the next day, lie out my clothes for the next day, and take my shower. I sometimes eat a snack before bed too. During and after all that I have the TV on, I go on the internet, pay some bills, do some research on whatever I have going on in my life, rarely read, maybe write in my journal, and that’s about it. I usually get on the couch by 6:00. Watch about 1 ½ to 2 hours of TV, then fall asleep, or attempt to fall asleep, usually resulting in my mind forcing my eyes to remain wide open while the rest of my body is forced to relax.

It has come to the point where this is not working for me. Perhaps a different approach you say?

I have built up this routine to be so important that it is having the opposite effect. I stress out when thins are rearranged. When an altercation arises between myself and someone else in the house, I immediately think, “Is this going to affect my mood so intensely that I will have trouble sleeping and not be able to go to work the next day?” I do have sleeping medication that I reluctantly take on severe occasions, but I like to resort to more natural approaches; they make me less groggy in the morning. If I am too tired it forces that whole morning process into a talespin, which I have mentioned earlier.

This has led me to a very important conclusion. One that may be easy for the wandering eye of an onlooker, but difficult for me to put forth into my “reality” (I put reality in quotes due to my own spiritual connotation of the concept of reality which I will enlighten others at another time.) I simple need to change it up. I have come home later in the past pushing my routine after work to be later in the day. The last time I did this was not very successful. I became really emotional at about 5:00pm, when I was still on the road, and felt too out of whack, as this disrupted my routine big time. I made it a big deal, came home, did not complete all my tasks, but by some miracle by giving myself permission to disregard work the next day, I took the pressure off just enough that I made the last minute decision in the wee hours of the morning to actually go into work.

Ha! I’m even figuring this out more as I write this particular blog.

I need to take the pressure off. Somehow I need to get in my mind, not that my routine doesn’t necessarily matter, but that I put far too much emphasis on it that I am in dire need of switching it up. As it is I have missed a lot of work lately. I have either come in late or not at all, for several days during the week. I say several here. That’s not good.
My therapist has simply given me a little push by saying, “why not do something different? Go out somewhere after this session. What you have been doing isn’t working so far so you have nothing to lose.” So I took her up on it. I went to Marshalls, tried on some clothes, and left without buying anything. I started to feel a little awkward the longer I stayed so I simply left. As small as that seemed, it was a big step in my world. This step was a little easier because I had already finished all my tasks for the next day before I went to my appointment.

My next step is tackling spending time away from home directly after work. Giving myself that permission to enjoy myself at any time of the day, and giving myself more permission to take the pressure off of going to work (on time) the next day. Although this may sound a little irresponsible it is teaching me much more valuable lessons of life than, left to my job alone, ever will. In other words, I am looking at the big picture. By doing so I envision me going into work more often than I have been and utterly killing two birds with one stone.

This all leads me to the concept of flipping the negative mindset of the concept of fear into a positive. F.rom  E.xperience A.ccelerates R.eality. This is now what fear means to me.

C.orrin E.lizabeth O.fori
February 9, 2013