Who Am I
Who am I
Each of us finds strength in our own way. There are many different ways, reasons, places and/or people to get our inspiration from. Sometimes it’s faith, sometimes it’s music. Maybe you find your solace in nature. I find my comfort in my faith. But it hasn’t always been that way. I use to be so far away from religion I couldn’t even remember the last time I had been in a church, probably when I married my first husband in April of 2000.
In 2008 I found myself divorced (for the 2nd time), alone, newly diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, a single mother of two very young girls (4yrs & 15mths) and I had slipped into a very dark, deep depression. Nothing mattered anymore. The only thing that could even get me out of bed was the fact that my girls needed to be fed or taken care of, but we had moved in with my mom and she was helping me so even taking care of them had become half-hearted. I was lost and I couldn’t find my way back to reality. The waves of torment were washing over me fast and furious and I had forgotten how to swim. Then something happened that changed everything.
My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in October 2008. The world that had been tormenting me seemed to stop revolving all together. All of a sudden reality took on new meaning. Days became precious commodities. My whole life I had thought of my mom as a very weak individual. I loved my mom, I always have, but as a person she always seemed to have a weak personality about her. To me she couldn’t live without a partner. When my father left her, she wasn’t happy until she started dating my step-dad. She depended on them whole-heartedly. To me that always seemed weak. But when my mom was diagnosed I saw a whole new side to her. I was there when she went through two surgeries. I watched as the Chemo treatments wreaked havoc on her immune system. I watched her suffer through the pain and anxiety and barely complain. She held onto her faith and prayed her way through it all. When the radiation treatments scarred her nerves so that they didn’t heal properly and she stayed in pain, she dealt with it and never once asked, “why me?” Through all this I found a new respect for my mom. The person I had thought so weak turned out to be the strongest person I know. While I watched her go through her procedures I began to question a lot of things in my own life. If this woman could go through this and hold onto her faith, who was I? Who was I to think my problems were so much greater? Who was I to wallow every day in a cloud of doubt and sorrow asking, “why me?” Who was I to feel like I had been dealt the bad hand? When I saw how much inner strength my mom had, I found my strength. I also found my faith. If she could go through what she went through and never question God for what was happening she must really trust him. So why shouldn’t I trust him too? I began praying. Praying led to going to church, Church led to more praying and reading the bible and I found my faith and a healthy relationship with The Lord.
We all have our moments of doubt, when we have to dig deep to find something to hold on to or to find something to pull us through. I personally enjoy music therapy. I use it quite often. There is nothing more relaxing than the classics; Mozart or Chopin, I love nocturnes. But my faith carries me through the difficult times and I have my mother to thank for that. She truly is the bravest person I know.